Thursday, December 18, 2008

The Feud - Part I

We were on the run.

Bravo had assured me that his plan would go off without a hitch. Given past experience, I had no reason to doubt him. It really was a run-of-the-mill job. We had contracted our services out to an elderly man, an Ecuadorian varón named El Corazón. El Corazón was the patriarch of an ancient and noble Ecuadorian family, a family who had been engaged in a feud with la familia Pudín for seventy-five years. El Corazón was nearing death, and he wanted to take the Pudines with him to the grave. He asked us to do what he could not, and we happily obliged, taking a large amount of his pesos in the process. It was nothing we hadn’t done before.

When we first arrived in Guayaquil, I attempted to befriend Pachoso Pudín, the eldest grandson in the family. He was a young man, close to my own age, and I knew from El Corazón that he frequented a coffee shop on the port. He was a loudmouth, a braggart, and our target. I walked into the shop on a Tuesday morning and nonchalantly sat down near him. I ordered a macchiato and listened.

“No, you are a fool! Do you know nothing about me? Do you think that I could not do such a thing?” Pachoso demanded.

“I did not say you could not do such a thing. I merely stated my belief that you would not do such a thing, señor,” replied the other man.

“I will tell you what I will do or will not do! Get out of my sight, cerdo!” The other man smirked and walked out.

I took the opportunity presented to me. “You seem to have a way with people, señor.”

Pachoso turned and glared at me. “¿Tienes un problema conmigo? Do you have a problem with me?”

“Not at all,” I replied. “I notice that you are a passionate man, a strong man. It seems strange that you are in a coffee shop bickering with whomever enters, when you could be…”

My pregnant pause was the bait. Pachoso was the hungry fish. “Could be what?”

“Could be using your passion and strength to your advantage.”

His mood changed from rage to guarded curiosity. “What is your name, señor?” he asked.

“Rico. My name is Rico Sabor, and we have much to discuss.”

*****

Later that afternoon I returned to the hotel room, where Bravo, as usual, was reading a book. Not lifting his eyes from the page, he gave a brief nod of assent as I walked past. I sat down on my bed and recalled the events of the day.

After piquing Pachoso’s curiosity, I had informed him that I was a businessman with ties to the Peruvian underworld. I had been in Guayaquil for a few months looking for a suitable partner for some under-the-table business transactions. I had learned of him through a mutual acquaintance of his uncle, and I informed him that I thought he had the machismo to handle any unfortunate “tasks” that might have to be performed. I promised him a large salary and a cut of the profits to boot for his services. Although he was already rich with his family’s money, he was greedy. He was also a scared man on the inside, and he sought to prove his own machismo to himself through violence. He readily agreed to the deal without so much as asking a single question. El Corazón had identified his weaknesses perfectly.

By now Bravo had finished his book. He was an adept and skillful reader—devouring five pages per minute and retaining every word with his photographic memory. He could quote Shakespeare at length when pressed, or memorize the blueprints of a building at a single glance.

“He took the bait,” I reported.

“Good. Now we wait,” he replied.

To be continued...

Monday, December 8, 2008

My New Toys

Seagull Mini Jumbo M6 Cutaway QII. I bought this Seagull last week to replace my old S6, which was stolen last month. The MJM6 has a bright sound with a good amount of "pop" to it, compared to the S6's more mellow tones. I don't like its acoustic sound quite as well as my old guitar, but then again the MJM6 looks like it has hardly been played, and my old axe had years of constant action refining its sound. On the other hand, the MJM6 has a better preamp, so I am pretty sure it will sound even better plugged in than the S6. Plus, it looks totally awesome.

Seagull S12+. I have been wanting a twelve-string guitar almost as long as I have been playing. Finally, I got one yesterday. It replaces the other three guitars I used to have, which were stolen along with the S6. This guitar has the same great sound that my S6 used to have, except twice as many strings to produce even more of it. Plus, now I can play Life By the Drop just like SRV! Well, like SRV without the talent, anyway.


Saturday, October 18, 2008

Whatever You Like

Tuesday, October 7, 2008, was among the most important days of the new millennium.  Why, you ask?  I'll tell you why.  This is why: "Weird Al" Yankovic, one of my favorite musicians of all time, released his latest single, "Whatever You Like", on iTunes.  It is the eponymous parody of T.I.'s hit song.  

As usual, Weird Al has taken a hit song, improved the lyrical content and performed it better than the original.  (Seriously, am I the only one that cringes at the horrible thought of T.I. singing?  Stick to rap, T.)  So, for your auditory pleasure, here is the better version of "Whatever You Like".  You should still buy it on iTunes, though.  C'mon, it's only 99 cents!  



Wednesday, September 10, 2008

For Emilio

"You need an alias," said Bravo one evening, in his usual nonplussed way, over a cup of coffee in Tallinn.

"You've never even asked me what my actual name is. Now I need an alias?" I responded.

"Yes."

"For the next job, right?"

"No. From now on. Here." He slid a passport across the table. The name under the picture (how did he even get my picture?) was Rico Sabor. "Now let's go."

He stood and left the building. I hurried along behind him, clutching my new identity tightly. I could feel my heart begin to pound against the inside of my chest, just like it always did when it was time. (The ancient Greeks had a word for this--kairos, the appointed time. I knew exactly what they meant.) My heart's rhythm matched precisely the beating against the outside of my chest made by the .357 in my shoulder holster. I hated the gun, hated using it, hating everything about it, but it had saved my life many times. It was a lucky burden.

We were heading to the warehouse district. It was a 10-minute brisk walk from the coffee shop, but Bravo's efficient gate forced us there in eight. We walked along the steel facades until we reached the door of one of them. Upon it was painted the number 27. The door was slightly ajar, and we slid into the darkness.

After my eyes adjusted, I knew why we were here. Before us was a lone helicopter. It was one I had seen before. It belonged to a Colombian drug lord, and no friend of Bravo's. The man had, in fact, "disposed of" the only family Bravo had ever had, a half-brother named Emilio. The drug lord had disappeared a number of months ago and was presumed dead. Bravo was furious at the news (although only a skilled observer could tell this--it was the split-second look in his eyes), but apparently he had learnt otherwise.

"Stand watch," Bravo ordered. I thought I had seen that look again, for the briefest moment. Nevertheless, I drew my weapon and stood by the helicopter as Bravo entered the cockpit. Five minutes later, he exited. "Let's go."

Exactly nine days later, we were in Gdansk. I was watching the BBC news, when I saw footage of a lone helicopter. A tourist had captured it on tape. The helicopter was flying erratically, like a drunken bumblebee, although there was no sign of any mechanical malfunctions. The pilot could be seen waving his arms wildly, as if vehemently refusing an order of rancid steak. Then, without warning, he stopped, crossed himself, and jumped out of the cockpit to the city streets below. If he had a parachute, he did not deploy it.

"That was for Emilio," said Bravo, looking up momentarily from his book. For a split second, I thought I saw a look of joy mixed with sorrow.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Random Thoughts.


  • Jessica and I went to Bicentennial Park yesterday to play a round of miniature golf. We ended up playing behind a couple of guys in their early 20s (if that old). Contra the posted rules, they were sucking down a couple of Coors Lights while playing. They were also cursing profusely. Oh, yeah, there were a bunch of little kids playing in front of them, too. The sad part was, I couldn't tell if they were drunk or just stupid--or both. Thankfully they left, but their negative example was a good reminder of a few things: 1) There is a reason why the Bible instructs us not to get drunk. 2) Having a vocabulary composed exclusively of monosyllabic vulgarities makes you look like a complete idiot.

  • I'm sitting here watching the Olympics on NBC. They're showing women's volleyball (US vs. Japan). It's strange that normally I would never watch volleyball, but since it's the Olympics, not only am I watching, I am rooting for the US. In fact, it seems like no matter what the event is--even if I have never heard of it--when it's Olympic time, then, by God, the US had better win! I'm even considering watching the US men's basketball team. (Hey, I just said considering.)

  • I get the chance to preach through the book of Ruth at church this month, starting tonight. When you haven't preached in a while, you forget the weight of the task. I will be up in front of God and everyone with the "definitive" word on Ruth. Who am I? Just some guy with a degree in biblical studies--almost. I feel pretty confident that I'm in the ballpark with my exegesis. Hopefully I can tailor the message sufficiently to keep the congregation interested. At least I'm in front of a very forgiving crowd!

  • Always remember: Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim on land.


Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Pinch Hitter 2 - Destroyer of Free Time

For me, it's the simple things that are the best. In this case, behold the stupid little video game that I have lost too many hours to this week. We simple-minded folk know that one does not need a PS3 to be entertained. Just give us one button to press, and watch us devolve into grubby orangutans before your very eyes.

But hey, at least I beat it.

WARNING: HIGHLY ADDICTIVE


Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Calamari, Anyone?

I’m currently watching a webcam of a colossal squid thawing and dissection. I have to say, this is amazing. Imagine two guys in a pool of saltwater measuring the clawed tentacles of a thousand-pound squid with eyes the size of dinner plates and a foot-long beak. Did I mention I have a phobia of invertebrates? (Please, in all seriousness, if you were to play a practical joke on me by exploiting this fear, I would very likely stop being your friend. I am not joking.) But that just makes it that much cooler for me. It’s like sitting at the top of the first big hill on a rollercoaster—you’re pretty scared and the adrenaline is pumping, but at the same time, you’re excited about the rush, too. So what would the rush be? I’m waiting for the squid corpse to revive suddenly and grab a defenseless scientist, drag him under and eat him. That would be so scary-cool. That’s why I’m afraid of those things, I think. They’re slimy and a lot like the alien in Independence Day. (Poor Data.) I think I have too active of an imagination.

Anyway, if you want to see something freaky, check out the mighty colossal squid. And the next time you're swimming a half-mile below the surface of the Antarctic Ocean, just be careful, okay?

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Athletes and Video Games

My friend Doug and I have discussed at some length the stupidity of professional athletes. Why is it that so many young athletes have gobs of money and are doing what they love, only to risk it all on dog fighting, riding motorcycles and DUIs? Doug and I agree that if we ever owned a professional team, it would be written into every player's contract that when not at practice or a game, he may sit in his house and play video games. That's it. And we figure if we're paying some guy millions of dollars a year, that's not too much to ask.

Well, lo and behold, I found out there is already an athlete doing this. Shot-putter Reese Hoffa trains and plays video games. That's it. This is because he loves skateboarding but realized a few years ago the risk he was taking with every ride. Rightly so, he didn't figure that a few jumps at the skate park was worth sacrificing an Olympic medal.

I say, good for Reese. Maybe his example will get other athletes thinking the same way. They'd better start soon, either way...I've got my eye on the Broncos. By the way, on an unrelated manner, does anyone have $500,000,000 I could borrow? I have to, uh, go to the store.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Grills

So, in a former life (read: before I got a full-time job), I used to enjoy writing song parodies. I thought I would post one I wrote in 2006. Below is a link to the real song, if you would like to sing along. Enjoy!


Grills
Parody of “Grillz” by Nelly
2006


Call the hardware store, tell ‘em get me a grill
Got a whole top rack and on the bottom charcoal
Yo, we ‘bout to grill us up some chicken with this one
Yeah, I’m warming it up, so, so, so

I’m grillin’ dogs on the bottom, vegetables on the top
Such a wonderful smell, I’m drinkin’ Coke on the rocks
I got some mo’ on the table, gonna char me some brats
If you like chowin’ on meat, you gonna like this a lot
I got, like, butter and bread rolls, and Twinkies and Ho-
Hos, Grillin’ out “er” day, in rain or snow
I might be grillin’ on a nice day, drinkin’ iced tea
On my porch swing, in my wife-beat
Bring out the buns wit’, I can tell that they’re done wit’
You see, the restaurants all hate it, but my neighbors all love it
‘Cause when I (open up the grill I am divine
I’m the best that you will find)
I got a grill and meat tenderizer, you know what that means?
It looks like Applebee’s, Outback and Black-Eyed Pea
Are out of business forever, ‘cause I be grillin’ so good
So if you catch me in your city, grillin’ in your neighborhood, just say…

Cook it for me, daddy, let me see a brat
Let me see you grill, you better kiss the cook!
Yeah, the grill, yeah, yeah, the grill
Call the hardware store, tell ‘em get me a grill/Got a whole top rack, and on the bottom charcoal (x2)

How you doin’, ladies, it’s the grill man DP*
I got my grill burnin’ hotter than infinity
I got my apron on, I’m ready—throw me a steak
If you think I’m lying, dude, you just made a mistake
Now I’m grillin’ some Zucchinis wrapped in aluminum foil
Never bakin’, fryin’, nukin’, God forbid that I should broil
I put my money where your mouth is and bought a grill
Twenty dogs, thirty steaks at once, you know I’m so for real
My motivation is the hungry stares I’m generatin’
I’m goin’ into the house, I’m stallin’ ‘cause they waitin’ (that’s right)
I got the ketchup, the mustard, the cheese I’m gratin’
But it’s my meat that’s got these onlookers spectatin’
My porkchops, make your tongue excited, the best imagined
Open up the fridge and put some mo’ carrots on that salad
My skills are mind-blowin’, keepin’ everybody filled
Screw that George Foreman, cause I’m cookin’ on a man’s grill

Cook it for me, daddy, let me see a brat
Let me see you grill, you better kiss the cook!
Yeah, the grill, yeah, yeah, the grill
Call the hardware store, tell ‘em get me a grill/Got a whole top rack, and on the bottom charcoal (x2)

Yep, got the matches, got the charcoal, got the bread
Burgers so good make you woozy in your head
Have some seconds, ‘cause I know you want
Get addicted to my cheesy brats
‘Cause when you do, I know you, you’ll be back on the weekend
Never fear, you’ll bring the beer, drinkin’ Killian’s and feastin’
On what I’m heatin’, a pile of meat and much more food than we can eat and
Every cow is scared stiff and the sheep are all bleatin’
I ain’t dissin’ nobody, but let’s all agree on this
I am the best with a grill there is
The meat I’m grillin’, make your eyesight blurry
Takin’ every bite is a flavorful flurry
I got four different grills, it’s a wonderful thing
One white, one yellow, one black and one green
And on all of them, you know, I got my name in solid gold
and a whole top rack and on the bottom charcoal

Cook it for me, daddy, let me see a brat
Let me see you grill, you better kiss the cook!
Yeah, the grill, yeah, yeah, the grill
Call the hardware store, tell ‘em get me a grill/Got a whole top rack, and on the bottom charcoal (x2)

Boy, how’d you learn to grill that way, and how long did it take?
Every time I see you, the first thing I want to say, is…

Cook it for me, daddy, let me see a brat
Let me see you grill, you better kiss the cook!
Yeah, the grill, yeah, yeah, the grill
Call the hardware store, tell ‘em get me a grill/Got a whole top rack, and on the bottom charcoal (x2)

C’mon.

*Close personal friend Doug P.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Bravo's Infamous Plan B.

I had known Bravo for about three months at the time. I was not yet sure where he received his income. It seemed that he continually pulled from some bottomless reservoir of funds, and although he indulged in (and seemed to enjoy) extravagances occasionally (usually while putting up a front during a con job), in actuality he lived modestly. We shared a small, three-bedroom condo, sparsely furnished, and filled with bookcases. Most were his; I owned a few.

I was flipping through one of his copies of Madame Bovary when he walked in. As usual, it was impossible to tell his mood. “We have a problem,” he said.

“Really,” I responded.

He walked into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of wine. He thought for a moment, looked at me knowingly, and walked out again, the full glass still on the table. “I’ll be back.”

In an hour, he made good on his word. I had dozed off in a chair. When I fully awoke, he was in the kitchen. He had returned to his glass of wine.
“My patrons have pulled their funds.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I just looked at him.

He picked up a slip of paper in his hand. “This is Plan B.” It was a lottery ticket.

“You’re crazy,” I said. “Do you know the odds of winning the lottery?”

He replied, “Do you know the odds of surviving a colossal squid attack?”

“No.”

“The odds are zero. It’s never been done. It can’t be done.” With that, he rolled up his left sleeve. There, just above the elbow, was a circular scar, about the size of the bottom of a coffee cup.

“A plastic surgeon took care of the rest. I left one as a reminder. A reminder that believing the odds is for suckers.”

At precisely ten o’clock that evening, he became a millionaire. At precisely 10:02, he went back to reading his book.

I didn't sleep for a week.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Stop--Grammar Time!

I have been noticing a disturbing trend. It seems that grammar, punctuation and spelling are on the decline in print. It seems as if in every book I read, I find a missing period or a misspelled word. I find typos in newspaper articles all the time. Today I saw a headline reading “Snowmobilers Go Father” instead of “Snowmobilers Go Farther”.

I’m not saying that everything always has to be in the Queen’s English. I understand that personal emails and even blog entries might have the occasional error, and that’s okay with me. There are people who make money writing and proofreading, though, and I think that they should have to be pretty good at what they do. I have to be good at what I do if I want to keep my job. They could at least reread their work, or run a spell-checking program (although this isn’t perfect).

So why are these violations of language slipping past? Are these people overworked? Are they lazy? Is there just too much information being published? Am I just too anal? (Please, no one answer that—it’s rhetorical.)

I only raise this issue because I have a “bad grammar” radar lodged in my brain. (I think it may have replaced my hypothalamus.) My wife can verify that anytime I come across an English mistake, it may as well be in big, bold red letters, underlined thrice and packing heat. I am not exaggerating. It seriously trips me up when I am reading, as if I were interrupted by fingernails on a chalkboard. It is almost a painful experience for me. Don’t blame me for my ranting, then: I am a victim of this disease. I’m sure I’ll track down a name for it sometime.

In the meantime, I think some federal funding is in order. I obviously can’t work under these conditions. I deserve free money!

Sunday, February 10, 2008

The Continuing Adventures of Bravo de la Tromeo.

That monkey was worth millions. It would soon be ours.

Bravo had learned of it from one of his countless, nameless sources. A pure jade monkey statuette, carved some 1200 years prior. It was made with such intricacy that archaeologists still had no idea how the artist had done it. It must have taken a lifetime of dedication to complete.

It was now housed in the Smithsonian, which is where we were. We stood before it. It was behind two layers of bullet-proof glass and a laser-beam security system. Two armed guards stood watch, night and day. I thought it was a lost cause--there was simply no way to get it. I glanced at Bravo. He had that twinkle in his eye. We left silently. I wondered what his plan was.

As usual, he didn't tell me what he was going to do. He only told me that I would wait outside.

We would steal the monkey the following day. We had learned that every evening at 6:10 PM, right after close, the museum switched its electricity from the power plant to a generator they owned. They ran the generator until opening the next day. During each of these switches, the power went down for 10 seconds. This was our window of opportunity.

The next evening, we entered the museum thirty minutes before it closed. Bravo slipped into a janitor's closest. I visited the monkey, reported back to Bravo and left the building. I bought a hot dog from a vendor outside and waited.

At precisely 6:12 PM, Bravo calmly walked out of the museum, a book bag slung over his shoulder. He signaled to me. I fell in line behind him. We approached a grey Ford Mustang. In fifteen seconds, Bravo had broken in an hot-wired it. We were a mile from the scene before the police were alerted.

Back at the hotel, we watched the ten o'clock news. The lead story, of course, was the theft of the jade monkey. Two security guards had been killed. There were no visible marks on them. The empty case bore no marks on it, not even a fingerprint. The monkey had simply disappeared, and the lives of the security guards with it.

I was stunned. I turned and looked at Bravo. He did not look at me. He seemed bored with the news. He turned off the television and picked up a book. I turned away from him and tried to sleep, wondering.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Hail, Educators!

National Teachers' Day isn't until May 6, but as I was writing up a post on Dr. Reeves' new book, I began to think about all of the teachers and professors who have influenced me over the years, the ones who made a profound difference in my life. I present them to you now (in no particular order), as a way of saying thanks.

Dr. Douglas Groothuis - Although I don't always agree with him, he single-handedly reinvented the way I think and opened up my eyes to the wonderful world of philosophy (in which I am still quite the neophyte). He also challenged me to increase my vocabulary by his own example.

Drs. Rodney Reeves and Bing Bayer - They taught me Greek and Hebrew, respectively. They also taught me to get excited about the Bible.

Richard Irby - Mr. Irby was my senior English teacher. Everything I know about grammar I learned from him. His may be the most valuable class I have ever taken.

Vic Noordhoek - He was my junior-high and high-school cross-country coach. He got me started down the path of running, and coached me to all-State honors my junior year.

Mark Misch - He was my college cross-country/track coach. He took me as a 17:00 5K runner and turned me into a 15:00 5K runner, and reignited my passion for the sport in the process.

There are many others who have influenced me, but these would have to be on the top of the list. (No offense to those who didn't make the list; you're still important to me, too!) Where would I be without such people willing to pour themselves into a skinny white kid? I don't know, and I don't want to know. How does one repay this debt? I suppose by pouring himself into others.

I hope I do them proud.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Brent Horst for President!

If only Canadians could run for president...

Friday, January 25, 2008

Doomsday.

So apparently the world is going to end on December 21, 2012. No really, it's true. Google it. I'll wait...Are you back? Good. Let's continue.

So doomsday is December 21, 2012. The Internet says so. So do the ancient Mayans. So how will it end? I think some possibilities are...
  • Attack Of The Radioactive Hamsters From A Planet Near Mars: Lots of rodents, death and destruction. "Weird" Al Yankovic becomes a prophet, but unfortunately no one is alive to notice.
  • Hillary Clinton gets elected to her second term as president, resulting in mass suicide.
  • Aliens invade the earth and unleash their most fearful weapon--a device that renders all televisions, computers and radios inoperable. People are forced to go outside and interact face-to-face with each other and the environment. Not knowing what to do, they are defenseless. Final score: Aliens 6,500,000, humans 0.
  • Meteor strike. Very cliched. Also not very likely, since obviously Chuck Norris would just roundhouse kick it back to where it came from.
  • Nobody tells God that December 21, 2012 is doomsday. He finally hears about it on December 14, but checks his daytimer and realizes that he already has another meeting that day. The earth is spared.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Got a Better Title than This?

Behold the mighty power of the atom!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Six Degrees of Me.

I have been tagged to reveal six "quirky" and "unimportant" things about myself by livingsword.  Okay, here we go...

1. One of my friends on Facebook just nominated me as the person she knows who is most likely to use the word "superfluous" correctly in a sentence.  She is right.
2. I am mentioned in the preface of an out-of-print book.
3. At one point in high school, I was close to fluent in Spanish.  I can still read it pretty well, but anything else is pretty hard nowadays.
4. I have an uncanny knack for remembering insignificant details with remarkable clarity (e.g., the vowel-pointing pattern for Hebrew verbs in the Piel Imperfect conjugation), but I have a hard time remembering important things, like people's names.
5. Animals like me.
6. In 2003, I finished in the top 20 at the US 1/2-marathon championships in Kansas City.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

A Chance Meeting of Friends.

We met in a Turkish prison cell. I was caught on a covert mission for the CIA (curse that bartender! He was merely a serendipitous fool, and I was in the wrong place at the wrong time); he never told me why he was there. He did tell me how we were to escape, and escape we did.

With Houdini-like skill, he picked the lock on the door in the blink of an eye. "Follow me, and you may live," he told me. I did as instructed. Creeping along the shadows, backs against the wall, we made our way toward freedom. Near the hall entrance, he crept up behind a tall, burly guard, and with one precisely delivered blow, felled him silently to the ground. Now we were armed.

The guards at the main entrance never stood a chance. We were out of the jail within minutes, and nobody was the wiser.

After buying decent clothing and new passports (which weren't hard to come by if one knew the right people, which he did), we boarded a plane for Paris. On the plane, he said to me, "I cannot guarantee you will live to see tomorrow, but if you will be my partner, I can guarantee that you will not regret dying today." He said nothing else; I agreed with a nod.

I cannot speak of the adventures we had; it would take me a lifetime to recount them all. But I must speak of the day he died. He had been gut-shot during a botched train robbery in Luxembourg. We had still managed to flee the scene, but we had been forced to leave the Hope Diamond on the train. We hid in a small cave on a nearby hillside. I held him in my arms and knew he would not survive the hour. Though he seldom spoke in all the years I had known him, on this occasion, he thanked me for my service. "Kind friend," I replied, "I have served you faithfully since the day we met, and I have asked for little. But now, before you pass, I must know, what is your name?"

With his dying breath he whispered, "My name is Bravo de la Tromeo."

Monday, January 14, 2008

Why Tigers?

I suppose you may be wondering why I like tigers.  Well, the short answer is, I like them because they are awesome.  They are the biggest cats in the world.  Like all cats, they look upon you with indifference.  They know who they are.  Do you know who you are?  

They are incredibly powerful and graceful.  They are orange and black--how cool is that?  Even their skin is striped, not just their fur.  If you ever watch the episode of Dirty Jobs where Mike feeds the animals at the zoo, you will notice something.  When he feeds the animals, he walks up to the cage, puts the food in, no problem.  When he feeds the tiger, the zookeeper opens a tiny little slit in the cage, Mike throws the food in, yanks his hand back before the tiger rips it off, and then runs like the wind to safety as the zookeeper closes the slit.  This is the fear and respect that the tiger commands.  You don't see people treating baby chimps like that.  No, sir.

How much do I like tigers?  Well, I like them enough to have two house cats.  I like them enough that my wife has to drag me away from their enclosure at the zoo.  I like them so much that I got one tattooed on me, as you can see.

Tigers--nature's Rambo, Terminator and Predator, all wrapped into one.

The Worst of the Worst.

My wife and I watched Ebert and Roeper's annual Worst Films of the Year show, so I thought I would throw in my two cents in several categories.

Worst movie ever: 9th Gate. I went to a free screening of this movie back in college. I wanted my money back. The entire lack of a plot coupled with Johnny Depp having relations with the Devil (don’t worry, she’s female) made me want to perform a lobotomy on myself, but I didn’t have any sharp objects with me in the theater.

Worst song ever: David Banner, Run Girl. This “song” is the musical equivalent of Linda Blair’s projectile vomit. The song is comprised completely of a “beat” that was probably recorded by a drunk, retarded monkey on a drum set, some type of vinyl-scratch noise that makes me want to rip out my own eardrums (that's cochleae for you scientific types), and a guy whispering about a girl running on a treadmill.

Worst music video ever: Also David Banner, Run Girl. Four minutes of girls running on treadmills. I think that retarded monkey was the director, too.

Worst book I have read in the last two years: Tie, God’s Politics by Jim Wallace, Monkey Girl by Edward Humes. God’s Politics was all about Jim’s ideas. Apparently God is a democrat after all. Who knew? Humes used verbal trickery and deceit to make non-evolutionists look like Neandertals in this “unbiased” and “journalistic” book.

Worst sports team jersey ever: 1980s Denver Nuggets. The Denver skyline printed by a huge dot-matrix printer. No wonder they lost so many games.

Worst TV show ever: Every reality show.

Worst surprise to get at a Mexican restaurant: Chicharrones. Don’t ask. Or order. Trust me.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Who Owns Whom?

I am amazed at the ability my cats have to communicate with me.  You'd think for an animal that has a brain the size of--hang on, let me check--a kiwi, let's say, they wouldn't have that much to say.  Ah, but they are devious little buggers.  It's like I have two furry ten-pound kids with razors attached to their feet.  I digress.  Not only do I know each cat by their meow, but I know what each meow means.  For instance, when Emma says, "MEOW!" that means, "Did you forget about me?  Why aren't you petting me?  How dare you forget about me, insolent fool!"  You know, come to think of it, that's pretty much all she ever says.  Well, she talks to D'Artagnan occasionally, but she usually says, "We are not amused."

Now D'Artagnan, on the other hand, says a bit more.  Usually it's, "Good lord, I can't do my business in that box!  Change the litter, man! It's like a port-o-potty at Woodstock in there!"  This is very similar to and often confused with, "Hey you!  Come down here! I want to feign excitement about playing with you, and then get tired of it after 30 seconds.  Sucker!"  He also likes to remind us when we sleep in: "Hey!  You're supposed to be up by now!  You're going to be late for...wherever it is you go all day."  I swear he can read a clock.  Digital, that is. I'm not too sure about analog yet.  Time will tell.

New Blog!

So I'm starting a new blog.  Tiger's Got My Back will still be my primary blog, but I just wanted a place where I could, given sufficient inspiration, blog about...whatever I feel like.  Whenever I feel like.  However I feel like.  Dig it.  So here goes nothing.