The Worst of the Worst.

My wife and I watched Ebert and Roeper's annual Worst Films of the Year show, so I thought I would throw in my two cents in several categories.

Worst movie ever: 9th Gate. I went to a free screening of this movie back in college. I wanted my money back. The entire lack of a plot coupled with Johnny Depp having relations with the Devil (don’t worry, she’s female) made me want to perform a lobotomy on myself, but I didn’t have any sharp objects with me in the theater.

Worst song ever: David Banner, Run Girl. This “song” is the musical equivalent of Linda Blair’s projectile vomit. The song is comprised completely of a “beat” that was probably recorded by a drunk, retarded monkey on a drum set, some type of vinyl-scratch noise that makes me want to rip out my own eardrums (that's cochleae for you scientific types), and a guy whispering about a girl running on a treadmill.

Worst music video ever: Also David Banner, Run Girl. Four minutes of girls running on treadmills. I think that retarded monkey was the director, too.

Worst book I have read in the last two years: Tie, God’s Politics by Jim Wallace, Monkey Girl by Edward Humes. God’s Politics was all about Jim’s ideas. Apparently God is a democrat after all. Who knew? Humes used verbal trickery and deceit to make non-evolutionists look like Neandertals in this “unbiased” and “journalistic” book.

Worst sports team jersey ever: 1980s Denver Nuggets. The Denver skyline printed by a huge dot-matrix printer. No wonder they lost so many games.

Worst TV show ever: Every reality show.

Worst surprise to get at a Mexican restaurant: Chicharrones. Don’t ask. Or order. Trust me.